Why Women Carry the Weight
Guilt sits like a sneaky companion that has a permanent, uninvited spot in many women’s lives. The team at Birdies View wanted to explore why that was. Is it conditioning from our childhood, or something that is learned behaviour over the years, or even cellular? Is it all women, or is it just some that carry the burden of guilt more than others?
...suddenly a nagging feeling creeps in! A little voice...“Shouldn’t you be tackling that spreadsheet...”
Guilt–the uninvited friend, whispers in our ear, questioning decisions and challenging our thoughts, but believe it or not there is some science behind why women have a higher tendency towards empathy and social awareness. The emotion of Guilt has evolved over time to alert us when we act in ways that could result in rejection from our chosen community or close relationships.
Women seem to be more attuned to the needs and emotions of those around them, so that is yet another super power we own, even though we probably don’t want it! It also means that we’re more likely to internalise other people’s expectations and judge ourselves harshly at times.
When enjoying a rare moment of relaxation, sipping a G&T and basking in sunshine, there she comes, to join us on the lounger, and suddenly a nagging feeling creeps in! A little voice... “Shouldn’t you be tackling that spreadsheet / doing the housework / answering emails or sorting the MOT out?”
In golf, women are often perceived as holding up the game, which I strongly dispute, having spent many an hour searching for a wide ball on another fairway for my playing partner, and don’t get me started on the putting green? Male partners, own that space and take an infinite time straddling the pin, wandering the undulating greens, wafting grass into the air to check the wind direction, puffing and blowing with indecision on how they are going to make the 3ft putt... and we patiently wait.
Then it’s our turn, and suddenly Guilt pops up, and whispers “you’re taking too much time” “they’ll say you’re slow”, so you quickly address the pin and take your shot as quickly as you can.
Does that stem from thinking that there's a massive imposter syndrome STILL for women within the game of golf, where there's a part of us that assumes we're not supposed to be there? – Love to hear your answers on this one.
So where does it stem from?
The emergence of guilt in younger women can possibly be attributed to several psychological and social factors.
As a child develops, a sense of right and wrong and an awareness of how their actions impact others is learned. So potentially in the context of sports, someone who accidentally bumps another player during a game, may sense a responsibility and guilt for causing that distress. Parents can often over labour the point when it comes to teaching their children the importance of taking responsibility, that can contribute to the early emergence of expressions of guilt. Learning “Cause & Effect” relationships to those that they love, can play a role in the emergence of a young person feeling guilt. “You must share with Tommy” etc.
Instead, wouldn’t it be useful for a child to learn that it’s ok to make mistakes, to prioritise self-care, and give themself permission to act without feeling guilt.
As an adult, we are starting to understand that it is ok to take time out of your schedule and that relaxation is also part of a balanced and healthy lifestyle.
I know I need to take time for myself and have stopped feeling bad about it. I am definitely guilty of feeling guilty(!) but I absolutely know how much better I perform as a single mother, or a business woman when I take a chunk of time out for myself. It gives my brain a rest. A change in scenery and soon I am back to my desk feeling fully refreshed. I do twice as much work because I stepped out for a moment.
In a world where women are constantly bombarded with unrealistic expectations and easy for Guilt to become an unwanted companion. If you can try to understand the roots of our guilt and learning to challenge those thoughts and “Own it” when it comes to reclaiming our power and live life on our own terms. So go ahead, take that putt, sip that drink, bask in the sunlight, live Guilt Free!
You deserve it!